sexual harrassment – maggiemarcum

This Ash Wednesday I began a soaking in the writings of a diverse group of wisdom sharers. I sat with my own faults and remembrances of harsh words, judgments, and pride that I still cling to. I have found that I repeat the same negative behaviors toward myself and others, and I am saddened that my heart has not changed as much as my mind thinks it has. It is time to again reflect on the walking the walk of repentance and forgiveness.

“Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Matthew 18:21-22

I feel that about the world as I look out on it today. We have learned so much and come so far; and yet we seem to continue to stumble and slide backwards.

Unrepentant.

Repentance requires more than saying I am sorry. Repentance requires repair. Repentance requires a lasting change.

What are we willing to give of ourselves to move the needle forward toward repairing injustices in our world? Are we willing to repent of our own thinking patterns and actions and make lasting changes in our own lives?

Change begins with a self examination before change can happen in the world around us.

I recognize that:

Racism hasn’t gone away.
Sexual harassment hasn’t gone away.
Patriarchy hasn’t gone away.
Demeaning and devaluing women hasn’t gone away.
Prejudice hasn’t gone away.
Cruelty for the sake of making ourselves feel better hasn’t gone away.

Denial is alive and well, in me and in these times. There have been times when I was part of that denial. If I am honest, I still see some of those patterns crop up today. Old tapes of prejudice and racism still sneak into my thoughts- uncontrollably- and I must make a conscious effort to force them out. I need to repent for those thoughts. I still find my brain asking if stories of sexual harassment and abuse could be true or was there “just a misunderstanding.” Those are words I grew up with in spite of my own experiences telling me to believe what women say. I must repent of my judgment and disbelief of the painful stories the brave share. The old patterns of working in a male-dominated field often caused me to defer to men in leadership over fully qualified and highly capable women. I must repent of my disregard and inflicted pain on my fellow women leaders, especially women called into ministry as clergy.

Why do we demonize those speaking truth about their painful experiences of abuse, of harassment, of racial profiling, or dehumanizing actions against them. Why are we willing to ignore the stories of those who still suffer because of these old beliefs of power and superiority? Why is it so hard for us to repent of our own roles and refuse to turn in a new direction?

Revolutionary change is our responsibility. It starts with the people. It starts with crossing the road and building relationships and diverse inclusive community. Are we willing to take a Jesus posture and move beyond self and to stand and care for fellow humans?

Are we willing to take time this Lent to repent of our own roles in holding others down?

If we honestly want to see change, we cannot sit by and wait for someone else to do the work. Maybe you are able to start by asking God these questions of yourself. Perhaps take an honest assessment of your own belief systems and trappings of what you have been taught? How do we enter into a posture of respect and carrying forward the reminder that we are ALL Created in God’s image. All of us.

For me, I find these answers and change by spending quiet time with God. I find it reading words of wisdom from others ahead of me on the path of repentance and forgiveness. I find transformation and calling in the words of Jesus and inspiration by hearing and moving with the Holy Spirit. Find your way and let this be your time of breaking chains and freedom to move forward.

Peace be with you on this journey.

When Abuse is More than Words

All my life I have dealt with the language of men that was designed to belittle, devalue, and intimidate me. Most of my life it worked and left me feeling vulnerable and disadvantaged.

Most of the time it also opened the door to actual sexual harassment or aggressive behavior. As a person who experienced sexual abuse at a young age, I was ill-equipped to understand the difference between acceptable behavior and unwanted attention. I was so overwhelmed by the behavior of others that I wasn’t capable of pushing back or reporting it. This was true until I came to terms with my own behavior and made a personal change in my response.

So what did that negative behavior from others look like? There were teachers in school who openly held sexually charged discussions with impressionable teenage girls. There was my father who made comments about my size and used language that today we find deplorable. There was my brother who said I dressed like a whore. There was the friendly neighbor who took advantage of my vulnerability-grooming me with language and images.

There was the workplace that thrived on adulterous relationships and encouraged young women to have affairs with managers to be part of the ‘in crowd.’ There were bosses who made snide comments about my age, my appeal, and my sexuality as a single person. There was the time I witnessed women who fell prey to the sexual abuse of their management, lose their positions. At one point I was warned that I could be reprimanded if I accepted their advances without reporting these predators. As if we were responsible for their action! Ultimately there was the man in a leadership position who drove me to a nervous breakdown and into retirement to escape his advances because of the earlier warning.

There were the women at a church who shunned me and uninvited me as a single woman who ‘might’ entice their husbands into affairs–with no evidence that I was interested in there spouses. I learned that single women were a threat to marriages and avoided conversations with men in my new church. And finally there was the man in my ministry field whose attention caused me to leave and avoid a ministry into which I felt called.

These examples don’t begin to describe what it was like growing up in an environment in which these things were not only viewed as acceptable, they were encouraged behaviors. One way or another, an attractive woman was seen as fair game. At one point I even dyed my hair because I was told no one would take me seriously as a blond! And then there are the eating disorders- anorexia or over eating- to make me more attractive or to protect myself.

I could not change the men in my world. I could discover more about myself and learn a new way to react to these advances. Thankfully I had a great recovery program at The Meadows and a wonderful healing minister that brought change in my life.

I have my struggles. I’m still afraid to lose the weight and become ‘attractive’ again because I worry that I will trigger old patterns. More healing to be done there. However, I no longer accept behavior from men that includes sexually innuendo, inappropriate body language, or intimidating tactics. I stand up for myself and have passed that on to my daughter.

Change is hard.

We begin with ourselves. We find an inner strength and the will to call out and push back when someone demeans us.
We can see ourselves as the valuable women God created us to be.
We can experience new life as persons of worth with the right to demand respect.
We can call out negative behavior for what it is, stand against it, and stop running.

I encourage those of you who see yourself in my story to reach out to someone and tell your story. Ask for help to recover from abusive behavior. Step into a new life!

We don’t have to take the abhorrent behavior of others anymore.

The unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. The Lord is my inheritance, therefore, I will hope in him. Lamentations 3: 22-23