Sometimes it’s just feeling a cool breeze and noticing things around us—checking out our neighborhood and hearing sounds central to our community. I love an early morning walk while the air is still cool and the birds are just waking. The glimmer of the new-day sun reminds me of all the possibilities ahead.
There’s a lot of construction going on around our neighborhood and it makes me smile to watch all of the workers coming in and doing what they do. Usually there is laughter, the beeping of a truck as it backs up, or the clang of the metal detour signs setting in place. All the sounds of a neighborhood coming to new life and opportunities.
It’s simple the things that we can be curious about when we walk and keep our eyes open to notice the “normal.” Do you know how many different kinds of cars are parked on a busy street?? I look at the cars and I wonder who the drivers are and what brought them to the neighborhood. Do they live here? Are they visiting? Do they work here? What assumptions am I making about them because of their car??
We are fortunate to have places scattered about to sit and rest and watch the day unfold. We have several areas with fountains. I love the refreshing sounds of the water running. For me, I find peace in the ripple of water. Imagine sitting here having lunch in the afternoon, watching the waterfall and the construction crews building from the designs that they were given. Each day it’s a little bit new and I look forward to seeing their finished project.
My mile walk brings me past the local restaurants, coffee shops, and the nursery. One more statue with running water that captures my attention as I peak down the aisles to see what new plants are emerging. The morning is too early for stores to be open and it’s the perfect time to stroll through town looking in all the windows.
As I head home, the building in which I live is coming back to life. Kids are getting ready for school. Adults are packing their lunches and bags for their busy day at work. The retirees are stretching and coming down to start their own walks. The day has begun, and I am grateful to be a part of it.
I hope you will take time to look around your neighborhood and see the sites that maybe you have just walked by. I’m learning to appreciate all that God has created, even through the humans that are building them. May your day be filled with joy and peace as you breathe in Yahweh Beauty and out that which you don’t need to carry into the day.
Previously, I wrote about my reframing walk and acceptance of who I am at this stage of my aging life. Walking is my healing grace. It’s where I meet The Divine for long conversations about my life, relationships, and my place in the world.
I am fortunate enough to live in a town where I can walk to expansive neighborhoods, to the grocery store, or local restaurants. It is uplifting to stop at the outdoor market or roam through the little privately owned shops. Go local if you can and support struggling small businesses. Get to know the owners and learn their story.
I remember growing up in Germany and on Saturdays my mom and I would take off for the bakery or for the little shops around where we lived. I’ll always have a tender spot for Saturdays and cream puffs. As a teenager we always ate in little restaurants and would pop in and out of the shops-sometimes just exploring what was new and plotting what to save our babysitting money to buy. I still love browsing through the small shops as if walking in a museum, enjoying creations…that I can pick up!
My walking always leads me to thinking about where I am going, or where I am leaving. Frequently I find myself discussing this with The Divine and apologizing for mistakes and seeking forgiveness. I pray for help and wisdom to transition from one season to another.
So often we look back on our life and list our regrets. We can reflect on our years of living and be flooded with positive, or negative memories. As I walked through the neighborhood near the apartments where I live, I saw beautiful grand homes. It made me sad to think of what I had “lost” for various reasons, including some bad financial decisions I made. I no longer own a house as a result of my choices and trusting some people whom I should not have. I have said for years that I “lost” everything in those unstable times. I used to think I was such a loser and I lived with shame and embarrassment and a sense that I had squandered what God had provided.
I want to reframe that story and to now simply say: “I no longer have those things. They were season in my life that came to an end.” I will likely never own a home again, unless something miraculous happens. And that’s OK. I was a little bit of a nomad growing up – moving every two or three years and I think I have continued that pattern for most of my life. Now it’s renting instead of owning, which gives me flexibility. It may not be as economically sound as some of my homeowner friends tell me, but that’s alright. This is the season in which I am living. I am part of a community that includes folks who have made the decision to live like me and it is kind of fun to share our stories of homeowner trappings and relief!
Lean into being healthy by taking care of your heart and soul. Find the process and place where you connect with The Divine and build new life-giving patterns. For me, this summer that has been water. I am blessed to have a pool in our apartment complex and I get to spend a lot of time just soaking in the water, looking up at the clouds and reimagining the stories that they tell. Did you ever do that as a kid? Do it again! Lay down and look at the images of the clouds and let God unfold a new story for you. Never lose that child-like nature that we’ve been given.
Keep seeking replenishment, refreshment, and renewal. Be open to the change and growth that is awaiting.
I encourage you to reframe the way you look at your life and instead of losses and mistakes, maybe we can just look at it as the seasons of our life and be content with that. Seasons bring ends and they bring starts. Seasons are letting go and grabbing onto the unknown.
Hopefully, we can look back and bring joy and peace into past painful times, and know that God has repurposed those times for good. They are just times, but not wasted times. If we look at them as times of growth, and opportunities to expand our world, then we have real life. May it be so for you. May you be free of regrets and “should-haves” and refreshed in a new season of what the Creator has provided for today.
I ventured out today for what I thought would be a relatively short and normal walk. I wanted to explore a church nearby and see what the grounds look like, hoping to find a quiet bench to sit with The Holy One. There wasn’t one, but I did get to see neighbors helping neighbors through a food-distribution program. What a gift we can be to others when we are willing to see the need and answer the call to help.
As I walked through the parking lot and down towards the road, I found myself in a neighborhood tucked in behind the church that I had never seen before. I wondered how many other things I have missed in my town as I zip in and out for work or errands.
Soon, I was walking behind a lady who obviously knew where she was going, so I kind of followed behind her as if she were my heaven-sent guide. I found myself over by the elementary school and a baseball diamond. As I walked around the yard and walked toward the diamond, it caused me to remember what it was like when I was 13 or 14 and had “blossomed” into a rather heavy young woman. My sweet neighbor would take me over to our soccer field and we would run the track every day during the summer. My mom took me to a dietitian, and I learned how to eat better. At least I had balanced meals, which is I guess what it’s really all about. I lost the weight and became more comfortable with myself and others.
All this gave me pause to think about things differently, to think about my past, as I often do on these walks, and what God is showing me today. Be healthy. Be stronger. We aren’t done yet! Journey on- there is more to see and do.
As I reflected back on those times, I realized I couldn’t run that track today. At my age, the body just doesn’t work like it used to, and that’s a little frustrating. The Spirit then shifted my thinking: “I’m not going to live in that frustration. I want to live where I am, in this aging body and take good care of it.” So I walked the track around the diamond remembering that every step was a step toward strength and renewal.
My new goal is to walk two miles-a day and to keep adding distance to get in better physical shape. It gives me time to also chat with The Divine as I trot along. Some friends of mine are getting ready to walk the Camino in October. I have another dear friend and his wife, who walk The Walk quite frequently. I love their stories of wandering enlightenment. I love the people that they meet on the road and just the way that it bonds them closer in the process. I’m in no shape to go on such a walk yet, but as my friends share how they are gearing up for eight-mile walks each day—or is it eight-hour days-I am encouraged to join them in their preparations. At first I felt a little jealous that I don’t yet get to take the walk; however, I’m not ready physically or spiritually. So the solution I have embraced is: “Get ready, girlfriend and create your own pilgrimage in the meantime!”
A friend created a playlist for their pilgrimage preparation and walk and now some of us staying behind are connected to them through the music they listen to. If we think outside if our disappointments we can discover solutions that fill our lives, right where we are. Be creative in how you join in, especially when you think you can’t.
Take the pilgrimage right where you are. Get out of the car, and explore your neighborhood. Drive to that park you keep passing on your way to work, and get out and explore all that nature has for you. Get a walking buddy, better yet get a walking crew. Do what you can do from where you are and if you can’t walk for physical reasons, find a group you can support with words of encouragement and prayers. If we are intentional enough, we can keep building community everywhere we go, and in that community, if we are fortunate enough, we may even find a way to let the past be in the past to embrace where we are today.
These past few months have been a little crazy. I’ve had the privilege of walking through some days of loneliness with friends, some days of serious health issues, and some days of dying. I’ve had my own moments of loss of friendship and maybe a sense of a loss of connection to people who have been in my life for a long time. To put it mildly, it pretty much sucks.
I think people of a certain age start looking back at their life, sometimes with regrets, and sometimes just simply acknowledging that they did the best that they could do. Part of my looking back lately is considering the relationships that I’ve been blessed to have, and the sadness I feel that they, for any number of reasons, are no longer part of my life. I find myself wondering what kind of friend I have been and wishing I had been better.
Grief and joy. The sadness that something that was is no longer, balanced against the joy of remembering sweet times together. Someone once told me that everything has a season and that includes friendships. It doesn’t mean losing a relationship doesn’t hurt. Seeing someone go on and you are no longer in the mix can be more painful than the finality of death. We miss the joy the relationship brought to our lives. It is like the season turns from spring to fall and the coldness of winter to the soul.
We live in a disposable world. Trinkets, phones, appliances are readily trashed and replaced with something new and shiny. And so it can be in our lives as we move from one season of relationship to another. I wonder though if we are too quick to throw away our connections without taking stock of the emotional toil it brings. We often don’t realize we are walking in the grief of loss which may hinder our ability to consider a better way. Breaking the connection we have with another human-especially if that person is family or a soul friend- is like walking death. And yet I admit I am just as guilty as the next person to keep walking forward, with the hole in my heart and sadness in my step…moving beyond the hurt and emptiness without repair.
Dying and death and physical suffering are different. I have witnessed physical and emotional pain friends and family experience. I keep seeing a strange mystical undertone of peace and joy that I didn’t expect to find. I find myself searching for words to explain what it’s like to trust that a higher power is holding these things together. I ponder the way joy seeps into the cracks with a hope for something more. Maybe it is a hope for healing. Maybe it is seeing God in the midst of pain in an unexplainable way. Maybe it is walking with someone transitioning from life on earth that opens us to wanting to believe there is more.
All these emotions can happen at once as we ricochet from crying to smiling and back from joy to emptiness. This is the broken world in which we live. Some things we are beyond our ability to change. Somethings we are waiting and praying will change. It isn’t always easy to know the difference. For me, I try to lean into the power I call God and try to listen for direction and peace and the next right thing for me to do. Sometimes I am led to act and sometimes led to wait for others. Sometimes I am called to simply sit with God and trust that The Divine is at work in the hearts and lives of all of us.
I’ve reached that age where my friends are transitioning to new phases of their life, and for some to eternal life. We make a lot of fun about the boomer generation, but the generation has begun to transition out of our stories. These are real people who lived full lives, who fought for their country on many battlegrounds, and opened the world up to new possibilities never before imagined. And we had fun doing it.
Earlier this year, I had the realization for myself that I had finally hit the – “I’m Old” point in my life. I am walking with friends whose bodies are declining. Their minds and their hearts are still the same active people they were when they were young, it’s just their bodies aren’t letting them do the things they want to do. I have a sweet friend who loves the Lord and loves people, but unfortunately, her legs aren’t giving her the strength she needs to do the walking about that she wants. But it doesn’t deter her. She has friends and family over and continues to be a bright light in the lives of everyone she meets. Thank goodness social media allows those homebound to stay connected.
My oldest sweetest friend, has gone to be with the Lord. Annie suffered many cruelties in her life, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and yet there was a spirit in her that I can’t even begin to explain. She loved life. She loved her family and would’ve done anything for them. I have known her longer than anyone, other than my family members, and even though we have been away from each other, there is now a huge gap in my heart for my little sis. I regret not making time to be with her, and yet she would be the first one to tell me I was doing what I needed to do and she was OK because she knew I loved her and she loved me. We really did have that soul sister connection.
A young Annie at my brother’s wedding blessing.
So how do we help our friends who aren’t the people they used to be physically and maybe even mentally, and yet they are the same people we know and love. I think if we can be there on some level to encourage and to continue to remind them of their value and worth, then we are doing God‘s work in their lives. If we can set aside a little bit of time to listen to your stories, to listen to their heartaches, and to listen to the person who they really are, we are showing tenderness from Jesus. And we can pray for them, uniting through the Holy Spirit to them in a way that is beyond the physical realm.
Years of connection through faith.
Life With Annie
So today I am remembering my life with Annie. Our mothers were best friends, Sis and Peg. Those two could get in some kind of trouble and they passed that on to their daughters. They passed on their faith and their commitment to loving others. Our fathers worked for the same government “company,” so we knew what it was like, growing up with secrets. In our late teens we got ourselves in all kinds of trouble. We didn’t think it was trouble, but apparently our parents did.
I got in so much trouble for letting her ride that! And then I road it too!!
We grew up in Germany and that meant easy access to alcohol, especially beer. One of the traditions was during big parades to make sure you ate lots of Brochen (German rolls) and pretzels—to absorb the beer! One night she showed up at my apartment tapping on the window after having had more than a few beers. My solution was to go to the kitchen and grab a loaf of bread and feed her bread from my window to try to sober her up. We laughed about that for years and years. She eventually gave me my Emergency Piece of Bread so I would always have something to help me sober up, but mostly it has sat proudly in my living room as a reminder of our love for each other. It was the first thing my daughter remembered when I told her of Annie’s passing- she too would have Annie’s bread! I will miss sharing those memories of our childhood together. I will miss my little sis.
She was adopted into her family of two older brothers. There was a significant age gap between them, like me and my siblings. They didn’t always see eye-to-eye but they took their big brother roles seriously, loving and supporting her through some dark times in her life. They were there when she became ill with dementia and they did what they could to create lasting memories with her and her daughter. She never had anything bad to say about them, only how great and successful they were. She was so very, very proud of them and their families. It was always her way to shift to the positive.
Family was everything to her. She would’ve laid her life down for either of her children and her grandchildren. Every conversation we had always included her talking about how proud she was of her daughter and son and how excited she was to see how smart and fun her grandchildren were. She had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with her grandkids, which she always took as a blessing for her. There were a lot of rocky times between mother and daughter, as is typical in those relationships, and yet it was her sweet daughter who is there by her side in the final hours, holding her hand and loving her. Her son was able to be there and I know she found peace in his visit.
It would’ve been the most important thing for my sweet Annie to know that her daughter loved her the way that she loved her daughter.
Mother and daughter- a bond that lasts forever.
There are many things that were hard in her life, and I won’t share them here because they were private for her. She fought hard to get what was hers in the courts of law and in the court of society. She suffered with some physical disabilities as a result of the emotional stress in her life. We would talk about those hard times, always ending with how good God had been to her, bringing her through those times and providing for her. There were days when I couldn’t understand how she was still alive. In her middle-ages, she and I took steps to educate ourselves. We laughed that we were both older adults when we finally returned to school to get degrees. She was the good student, though it took everything she had to concentrate on whatever the subject was she was studying, but man that girl was smart. She wanted to show the world that despite making some bad choices early in her life and being knocked down a few times, she could still get up and do the things she and I were meant to do. Nothing would deter her once she put her mind to it.
St. Sebastians in Frankfurt that helped facilitate her adoption and where we attended church.
We shared a Faith together that came from our mothers. We grew up in the same church hanging out with our moms in the women’s church group. We learned from our mother, Sis and Peg, how to be supportive friends of one another. Because Sis and Peg had some stories of their own, and yet these were strong women too, who got through it with grace and dignity. I still have the Michelangelo statue that Sis made for my mom. We all tried our hand at pottery, but only Sis had talent to create beautiful things. It’s right there next to the slice of bread that Annie gave me. My wish for our daughters is that they too have lasting friendships like this in their lives. Few things matter as much as a soul-friend who carries your story and loves you through it.
As kids we both transited the Atlantic on the SS United States on separate journeys to Germany. Years later we would reconnect over it’s mothballing. We talked about the excitement and terror of sailing that amazing vessel. We had so many incredible adventures because of our fathers and their careers and our parents’ desire for us to experience life to its fullest. And we did. We kept that shared desire to see beyond our own walls and it also left us always ready for change and a new adventure. Always on the move. In someways that is how she approached her dementia. It was just another journey for her and we laughed that now she would have an excuse to forget things.
As life would have it, we drew apart as we moved to different parts of the country and the world. We married and had kids. We married and had trouble in our marriages. We were there for each other through those dark times. She moved around a lot, trying to always find her special place to belong. Her daughter was incredible taking care of her and loving her through some of those darkest days, right through to the end. She never wanted to be a burden to anyone and her daughter was able to give her some of that sense of independence, right to the end. Annie was the kind of person who just lit up your life by being in it, and even though we were miles and miles away and didn’t talk for years, I could look at that little piece of bread she gave me and laugh about our life together and know we were in each other’s hearts and memories. She will always be there even though I will miss hearing that raspy voice of hers as she inhaled her cigarette.
If you have someone like that in your life, try and make a little time for them. Keep building those memories so that when one of you is no longer part of this planet, they will remain part of each others soul. Don’t let little things keep you apart. I’m so thankful for the people who have passed through my life and left footprints on my heart. I cherish them and our memories, and hope they too have fond memories of me. Some have moved on and some remain, all of whom I believe God brought together for the seasons of our lives, to learn and grow.
Our beautiful Annie and her daughter
I love you Little Sis. Be at peace now. I’ll see you one day soon.
Do you ever find yourself in a place of beating yourself up because you just aren’t good enough? Beating yourself up because you still have bad habits that you wish you didn’t have. Maybe you’re looking at the world around you and wishing it were better than it is.
It is so easy to get stuck in that rut of despair, and in a place of hopelessness. It is easy to go down the dark windy road of doubt and disbelief. And yet I don’t believe that’s where God wants us to land and to stay.
I found this morning that I needed to sit back and make a list of all the things God has done in my life. I started with the near term, and that list was pretty long. As I write this, I’m thinking back to my childhood, my adolescence, and my early 20s, It really is but by the grace of God that I’m still alive and healthy.
My life has changed radically because I was willing to ask for help. I was willing to go to another and say I can’t do this. Sometimes that was a counselor, sometimes it was a lay minister, sometimes it was healing prayer. A lot of times it was sitting in the darkness of my room, crying out. Asking to be changed. But it was me asking. It was a desire for my heart to be different.
So what changed in me? Little things started the change. I quit smoking overnight. I quit over eating to fill the void in my heart. I quit drinking so that I would fit in. A change in who I was dependent on, from seeking out relationships with with people (OK, let’s be real, men) to a relationship with God. Getting to know who Jesus is and become willing to open my hands and ask the Holy Spirit into my life as a guide.
I got a soul friend, a spiritual director, a partner in Faith, whatever you wanna call it but someone who I could wrestle with my insecurities and who would hear from the Holy Spirit and talk me through it. And I opened my heart up more to ask God where I need to change.
Someone asked me the other day how long it takes to change and become more like Jesus. I had to remind them, and me, that we are made in the image of God, but we are not God. We will never be perfect. Our journey will never end until it ends. That means for the rest of our lives, we get to have a close dependent relationship with the Lord.
This morning, I woke to a vision of Angels. I never really believed in angels before. I have come to believe that spiritual and human angels led me to an understanding of what God wants to do in my life. Just like Paul, these angles helped break the chains that bound me to behaviors I needed to relinquish. And just like Paul, they led me out of the darkness and into the light. (acts 12:5-1)
When I sit in that light and when I breathe in the Holy Spirit, I can feel a presence unlike anything else and I know that God isn’t finished with me yet. I am thankful for what he has done, and trust that there is more to come. I’m not as young as I used to be, my body doesn’t jump as quickly; however, my heart still does. I’m still asking how he wants me to change, and working on that change. I’m asking what he wants me to do in this part of my life, and that gives me energy and excitement.
I encourage you to read Romans 8. Learn about living life in the Spirit and God’s desire to transform our lives- together! One little word of advice from Paul:
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 NIVUK
Have you ever had a moment of looking in the mirror and wondering who that person is looking back at you? I think we all have times when the person we see in our mind is not necessarily the physical person that everyone else sees. For me, I want to have the face that shows love and kindness, and if I’m honest, I want a face that shows youthfulness! But the reality is my face shows the years of living, and they weren’t always great years. I hope that my eyes at least show what God has done with those years. I hope my eyes show the love of Jesus me who transformed my inner being.
maggiemarcum 