These past few months have been a little crazy. I’ve had the privilege of walking through some days of loneliness with friends, some days of serious health issues, and some days of dying. I’ve had my own moments of loss of friendship and maybe a sense of a loss of connection to people who have been in my life for a long time. To put it mildly, it pretty much sucks.
I think people of a certain age start looking back at their life, sometimes with regrets, and sometimes just simply acknowledging that they did the best that they could do. Part of my looking back lately is considering the relationships that I’ve been blessed to have, and the sadness I feel that they, for any number of reasons, are no longer part of my life. I find myself wondering what kind of friend I have been and wishing I had been better.
Grief and joy. The sadness that something that was is no longer, balanced against the joy of remembering sweet times together. Someone once told me that everything has a season and that includes friendships. It doesn’t mean losing a relationship doesn’t hurt. Seeing someone go on and you are no longer in the mix can be more painful than the finality of death. We miss the joy the relationship brought to our lives. It is like the season turns from spring to fall and the coldness of winter to the soul.
We live in a disposable world. Trinkets, phones, appliances are readily trashed and replaced with something new and shiny. And so it can be in our lives as we move from one season of relationship to another. I wonder though if we are too quick to throw away our connections without taking stock of the emotional toil it brings. We often don’t realize we are walking in the grief of loss which may hinder our ability to consider a better way. Breaking the connection we have with another human-especially if that person is family or a soul friend- is like walking death. And yet I admit I am just as guilty as the next person to keep walking forward, with the hole in my heart and sadness in my step…moving beyond the hurt and emptiness without repair.
Dying and death and physical suffering are different. I have witnessed physical and emotional pain friends and family experience. I keep seeing a strange mystical undertone of peace and joy that I didn’t expect to find. I find myself searching for words to explain what it’s like to trust that a higher power is holding these things together. I ponder the way joy seeps into the cracks with a hope for something more. Maybe it is a hope for healing. Maybe it is seeing God in the midst of pain in an unexplainable way. Maybe it is walking with someone transitioning from life on earth that opens us to wanting to believe there is more.
All these emotions can happen at once as we ricochet from crying to smiling and back from joy to emptiness. This is the broken world in which we live. Some things we are beyond our ability to change. Somethings we are waiting and praying will change. It isn’t always easy to know the difference. For me, I try to lean into the power I call God and try to listen for direction and peace and the next right thing for me to do. Sometimes I am led to act and sometimes led to wait for others. Sometimes I am called to simply sit with God and trust that The Divine is at work in the hearts and lives of all of us.
Walking with Buddy is teaching me to walk differently. So many times I get out on the path and I’m just trying to get my steps in and make sure I’m building muscles in my legs and slimming down my waist. That doesn’t happen when you walk with a dog!
I’m learning from Buddy to stop and look around and see what there is to see. He loves to stop at every tree and sniff the bark. That causes me to pause and look at all the ridges in the trees and at the roots of the tree which support it. It gives me time to reflect on creation’s beauty in fine detail.
He waddles along joyfully down the path until something again catches his eye or catches his nose. We stop again for him to explore what it is. I’m learning now to stop and look at what it is, instead of waiting impatiently for him to finish his Sniff of the Minute. Off we go again, trucking down the sidewalk, at dog pace.
He will stop at the rustle of a leaf. Sometimes it just startles him, and sometimes he has to go stomp it to see if it will crunch under his foot. It reminds me of the seasons in which we live our lives, ever-changing pieces falling off as new branches and leaves are growing in. Relationships changing, life evolving. I marvel at the change from season to season. We walk along and I wonder what will it be like when winter comes, because we haven’t walked in the winter together yet. It is a sense of anticipation and of dread. Ah life!
He slows me down and gives me time to look up at the sky. He slows me down and gives me time to catch the steeple down the road glistening in the moonlight. Sometimes we just have to sit at the bench too because he loves to sit at the bench and people watch and so we sit and we watch and say “hello “ as only a chihuahua can.
This is when I find myself seeking the presence of God and almost missing it. Just because I live in a “city environment” doesn’t mean I can’t see God here. I can find the creator in the magnificence of a tree built against the side of a building, or in the chirping of the birds, as we walk, yes even the snapping of crickets. There’s all kind of beetles and bugs that crawl out from the ground and while I may squeal when I see them, I have to stop and wonder how God created something so ugly and scary and yet remember that it is God‘s creation and it must be appreciated.
So next time you’re on that walk with your dog and you’re impatient because he is stopping for one more sniff; stop yourself and sniff in the beauty of the world around you. Perhaps there’s a message God has for you in that moment of pausing. Perhaps there will he something to carry home, just for you.
Driving to a cabin in the Shenandoah with my friend, I felt the gentle shift from city life to country beauty, surrounded by the blue hills of Virginia. There’s a point in driving when suddenly one takes a deep breath and lets out the sigh of renewal found in the splendor of the hills in front of us. Driving even deeper onto roads leading up the mountain, we rolled down our windows to hear the sounds of nature alive around us.
Settling in for an evening of wine and long talks, the air was full of the chirping of birds and the crackling of animals, moving in the brush below us. At one point, we sat in silence, just listening, waiting to hear that next unexpected sound break through the trees. We had already seen the majesty of a deer as we drove up the road, and we waited in anticipation for a bear or other creature to walk across our land. In the meantime, we were soaking in the call of nature, just as God had designed it.
As the sun began to set, the world around us began to settle in. I didn’t realize at first, but nature was silencing itself for the great sleep. As it began to grow dark, the lightning bugs flickered across in front of us. You seldom see lightning bugs in the city anymore. They twinkled in front of us in their dance of merriment. It was then that we noticed the woods were becoming silent. It was as if the Creator were soothing all the creatures and tucking them in for the evening. The birds became quiet. The rustling in the bush below us became less apparent. Even our little lightning bugs put their lights out.
And as the moon shown through the trees, we were struck with how bright it was, as the quiet descended upon us. We sat in that silence for many minutes, listening to the nothingness and all its glory.
As the sun rose the following morning, so did the chirp of the wood trush deep within the branches of our forest. Nature again speaking life into the day. The Divine calling us from our slumber into their awakening of our soul. The sacred combining of all creation the soul longs to rediscover is here in these woodlands.
Such incredible sounds culminating in the vibrancy of a world of differences- each with their own voice announcing their presence and waiting for the response of others. A harmonious reminder from nature of God’s intent for us. The rooster crowing in the distance telling us all to get moving- don’t miss this day, this hour, this moment. And gradually the ground beginning to crunch as wildlife walked across the valley in response to the melodic choir of a new day. Squirrels playfully entertained us jumping from branch to branch and chasing each other around the tree trunk.
“For you shall go out in joy and be led back in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall burst into song, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.” Isaiah 55:12 NRSVUE
Just as evening brought us the majestically gentle deer in our path, the morning brought forth the lumbering gait of a black bear crossing the yard. All creatures springing to life, even the smallest of insects tiptoeing across the chair where we sat. It is the awe and wonder of this planet we are called to care for and love. It is a reminder of all that the Divine implanted in all of creation- to be still in that presence and know that the Holy One remains with us and in us. May you know such peace where you sit today.
I’ve reached that age where my friends are transitioning to new phases of their life, and for some to eternal life. We make a lot of fun about the boomer generation, but the generation has begun to transition out of our stories. These are real people who lived full lives, who fought for their country on many battlegrounds, and opened the world up to new possibilities never before imagined. And we had fun doing it.
Earlier this year, I had the realization for myself that I had finally hit the – “I’m Old” point in my life. I am walking with friends whose bodies are declining. Their minds and their hearts are still the same active people they were when they were young, it’s just their bodies aren’t letting them do the things they want to do. I have a sweet friend who loves the Lord and loves people, but unfortunately, her legs aren’t giving her the strength she needs to do the walking about that she wants. But it doesn’t deter her. She has friends and family over and continues to be a bright light in the lives of everyone she meets. Thank goodness social media allows those homebound to stay connected.
My oldest sweetest friend, has gone to be with the Lord. Annie suffered many cruelties in her life, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and yet there was a spirit in her that I can’t even begin to explain. She loved life. She loved her family and would’ve done anything for them. I have known her longer than anyone, other than my family members, and even though we have been away from each other, there is now a huge gap in my heart for my little sis. I regret not making time to be with her, and yet she would be the first one to tell me I was doing what I needed to do and she was OK because she knew I loved her and she loved me. We really did have that soul sister connection.
A young Annie at my brother’s wedding blessing.
So how do we help our friends who aren’t the people they used to be physically and maybe even mentally, and yet they are the same people we know and love. I think if we can be there on some level to encourage and to continue to remind them of their value and worth, then we are doing God‘s work in their lives. If we can set aside a little bit of time to listen to your stories, to listen to their heartaches, and to listen to the person who they really are, we are showing tenderness from Jesus. And we can pray for them, uniting through the Holy Spirit to them in a way that is beyond the physical realm.
Years of connection through faith.
Life With Annie
So today I am remembering my life with Annie. Our mothers were best friends, Sis and Peg. Those two could get in some kind of trouble and they passed that on to their daughters. They passed on their faith and their commitment to loving others. Our fathers worked for the same government “company,” so we knew what it was like, growing up with secrets. In our late teens we got ourselves in all kinds of trouble. We didn’t think it was trouble, but apparently our parents did.
I got in so much trouble for letting her ride that! And then I road it too!!
We grew up in Germany and that meant easy access to alcohol, especially beer. One of the traditions was during big parades to make sure you ate lots of Brochen (German rolls) and pretzels—to absorb the beer! One night she showed up at my apartment tapping on the window after having had more than a few beers. My solution was to go to the kitchen and grab a loaf of bread and feed her bread from my window to try to sober her up. We laughed about that for years and years. She eventually gave me my Emergency Piece of Bread so I would always have something to help me sober up, but mostly it has sat proudly in my living room as a reminder of our love for each other. It was the first thing my daughter remembered when I told her of Annie’s passing- she too would have Annie’s bread! I will miss sharing those memories of our childhood together. I will miss my little sis.
She was adopted into her family of two older brothers. There was a significant age gap between them, like me and my siblings. They didn’t always see eye-to-eye but they took their big brother roles seriously, loving and supporting her through some dark times in her life. They were there when she became ill with dementia and they did what they could to create lasting memories with her and her daughter. She never had anything bad to say about them, only how great and successful they were. She was so very, very proud of them and their families. It was always her way to shift to the positive.
Family was everything to her. She would’ve laid her life down for either of her children and her grandchildren. Every conversation we had always included her talking about how proud she was of her daughter and son and how excited she was to see how smart and fun her grandchildren were. She had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with her grandkids, which she always took as a blessing for her. There were a lot of rocky times between mother and daughter, as is typical in those relationships, and yet it was her sweet daughter who is there by her side in the final hours, holding her hand and loving her. Her son was able to be there and I know she found peace in his visit.
It would’ve been the most important thing for my sweet Annie to know that her daughter loved her the way that she loved her daughter.
Mother and daughter- a bond that lasts forever.
There are many things that were hard in her life, and I won’t share them here because they were private for her. She fought hard to get what was hers in the courts of law and in the court of society. She suffered with some physical disabilities as a result of the emotional stress in her life. We would talk about those hard times, always ending with how good God had been to her, bringing her through those times and providing for her. There were days when I couldn’t understand how she was still alive. In her middle-ages, she and I took steps to educate ourselves. We laughed that we were both older adults when we finally returned to school to get degrees. She was the good student, though it took everything she had to concentrate on whatever the subject was she was studying, but man that girl was smart. She wanted to show the world that despite making some bad choices early in her life and being knocked down a few times, she could still get up and do the things she and I were meant to do. Nothing would deter her once she put her mind to it.
St. Sebastians in Frankfurt that helped facilitate her adoption and where we attended church.
We shared a Faith together that came from our mothers. We grew up in the same church hanging out with our moms in the women’s church group. We learned from our mother, Sis and Peg, how to be supportive friends of one another. Because Sis and Peg had some stories of their own, and yet these were strong women too, who got through it with grace and dignity. I still have the Michelangelo statue that Sis made for my mom. We all tried our hand at pottery, but only Sis had talent to create beautiful things. It’s right there next to the slice of bread that Annie gave me. My wish for our daughters is that they too have lasting friendships like this in their lives. Few things matter as much as a soul-friend who carries your story and loves you through it.
As kids we both transited the Atlantic on the SS United States on separate journeys to Germany. Years later we would reconnect over it’s mothballing. We talked about the excitement and terror of sailing that amazing vessel. We had so many incredible adventures because of our fathers and their careers and our parents’ desire for us to experience life to its fullest. And we did. We kept that shared desire to see beyond our own walls and it also left us always ready for change and a new adventure. Always on the move. In someways that is how she approached her dementia. It was just another journey for her and we laughed that now she would have an excuse to forget things.
As life would have it, we drew apart as we moved to different parts of the country and the world. We married and had kids. We married and had trouble in our marriages. We were there for each other through those dark times. She moved around a lot, trying to always find her special place to belong. Her daughter was incredible taking care of her and loving her through some of those darkest days, right through to the end. She never wanted to be a burden to anyone and her daughter was able to give her some of that sense of independence, right to the end. Annie was the kind of person who just lit up your life by being in it, and even though we were miles and miles away and didn’t talk for years, I could look at that little piece of bread she gave me and laugh about our life together and know we were in each other’s hearts and memories. She will always be there even though I will miss hearing that raspy voice of hers as she inhaled her cigarette.
If you have someone like that in your life, try and make a little time for them. Keep building those memories so that when one of you is no longer part of this planet, they will remain part of each others soul. Don’t let little things keep you apart. I’m so thankful for the people who have passed through my life and left footprints on my heart. I cherish them and our memories, and hope they too have fond memories of me. Some have moved on and some remain, all of whom I believe God brought together for the seasons of our lives, to learn and grow.
Our beautiful Annie and her daughter
I love you Little Sis. Be at peace now. I’ll see you one day soon.
Life is full of changes. Having lived a few decades now, I have traveled many pathways. Some that were forced on me and others I chose. Some were easy and others not so easy. Each took time to find a way to settle into new patterns.
These changes can take a toll on us mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and even physically. We may need to shut down for a little while and sit in the midst of what was, what is, and what is to come. There is a period of grieving the connections that no longer exist. There may be a period of sitting and wondering and praying about the lessons learned. These are the building blocks of our lives and how we strengthen the foundation of who we are for the next step.
And then there is deliberately stepping out of our comfort zone into something new and perhaps a little uncomfortable. It is hearing that mystical voice that says “Go.” It is faith to trust that in following the Divine, it somehow works out.
Even when we find ourselves settling into a new community, there may be a period of timidness as we wonder if this is where we will fit next. If we have been wounded by a community, especially a spiritual community, it may take longer to trust what feels right. Do we dare make new connections? What if trust is broken again? We wait anxiously for signs of pending betrayal.
What about those relationships that we have left behind? Will any of them continue? Or will people forget us and just move on because we’re no longer a part of whatever that program or life was? Will we forget?
Will friendships that we thought were lasting, simply dissolve away? These are the seasons of our life which we flow in and out of. And it is a natural part of living. What do we do when the things we did are no longer what we do?
Being connected and being part of community is central for us of humans to thrive. God saw that in the creation story as humans developed relationship with their creator.
“Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out… spurring each other on.” Hebrews 10:24-25 MSG
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