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friendship The Lighter Walk

The Value of Friendship

There was a time in my life that I thought I would never have girlfriends. My childhood abuse twisted my thinking and I had mostly guy “friends.” I just didn’t know how to be friends with a woman.

Thanks to years of therapy and some incredible women who helped me heal from the trauma in my life- that all turned around in my late 40s. It was partly tied to being a mom and meeting other moms. But mostly, it was a change in my needs from needing a man to notice me, to having someone I could have an authentic life-sharing relationship with.

I have four life-long friends. We live in scattered parts of America and don’t have the day-to-day relationship we wish we did. I’m so thankful we were childhood friends. It reminds me that God places people in our lives when we need them, and boy did we need each other growing up! We trusted each other as teenagers do, with most of our inner secrets.

When I had my daughter, and took some time to deal with the childhood wounds, I had one friend who stood by me through all my emotional ups and downs. Who knew when we met as school-moms that we would be blessed to become such true friends. I met another sweet woman when my husband was in a major accident, who thought me to lean on a woman and trust them to walk with me. I also had the gift of a sister who protected me when I was young, and still walks through all the good, and not so good, moments of my life. It is a gift to share their moments with them and to navigate the waters of life together.

I have come to value and appreciate girlfriends in a way I never knew would be possible. Sadly, I have also found that women and friendships can fade away or be torn apart with no apparent reason. And I have found that when a friendship suddenly ends, it is as painful, if not more, as a broken love relationship. For me, I’m left questioning everything I did over our years of journeying together, trying to find that one moment where things broke down in hopes I can repair and restore our relationship.

I believe we each carry some bit of wounding from our past. When that wounding isn’t healed (and sometimes even when it is) and something subconsciously reminds us of it, we tend to flee to avoid further pain. We may fire up and fight against the perceived infliction of further injury- or we just shut down, unable to process or articulate what has occurred. I know that has been true for me.

Sadly, those reactions usually end a relationship over what could be a misspoken word, an unintentional action, or lack of knowledge of one’s sensitivity. We as women can far too quickly internalize an offense and turn on one another, destroying a valuable relationship.

Why are we willing to shatter something that is such a gift to have? Why would we so easily give away a deep sense of being known by another person? Why would we not trust each other with this kind of personal wounding when we have already shared so much? What makes us stop short when we need to say: “What you said/did hurt me.”

I sit today grieving over another broken relationship that I don’t know how to mend. It isn’t the first time I have had to question myself and my behavior, searching to understand my error. I wish I could restore the friendships that faded away or abruptly ended; however, I know that may never happen. That adds to my sorrow.

I hope I can learn from this. I hope I can let God heal my new wound. I pray he would intervene and bring restoration in our broken friendships. I pray for each of us, that we would see each new handshake and introduction as an opportunity to build a new friendship. I know we are made to be in relationship and I won’t give that up. I am willing to take the risk again. I hope you too will find resolution in broken relationships and either rebuild them or learn and move forward into the next one.

Today, I am thankful for all the relationships I have had. I am grateful for the times we shared, even if they ended. And I appreciate the new relationships God continues to lead me toward and hopeful that they can become good lasting friendships too.

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Aging in Grace

The Face I Have

Have you ever had a moment of looking in the mirror and wondering who that person is looking back at you? I think we all have times when the person we see in our mind is not necessarily the physical person that everyone else sees. For me, I want to have the face that shows love and kindness, and if I’m honest, I want a face that shows youthfulness! But the reality is my face shows the years of living, and they weren’t always great years. I hope that my eyes at least show what God has done with those years. I hope my eyes show the love of Jesus me who transformed my inner being.

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Transformation Stories

The Path to New Life

Life is a journey of finding our meaning, finding our purpose, and stepping forward into the place we believe we are called to live. For years, I have had a vision of a cobblestone path when I meditate or pray. There are times the path is dark, other times the stones are bright. It has been surrounded by flowers; at times it is just grass and even unplanted fields. During really special times of prayer, I often have an overwhelming sense of the Lord guiding me on the path and it always appears more inviting then!

Every pilgrimage toward meaning and purpose begins with a first step and a base upon which we gingerly lay stones of uncertainty. The stones we lay are different; each telling a story of the unique steps taken. Some have been forcefully thrown on my path without care for the impact. Those are the ones that cause me to trip and fall off the path. The ones that make me unsteady in my journey. They are the ones that also compelled me to cry out to God. Help me! Change me! Don’t leave me here.

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The Lighter Walk

Beginning with Peace

We get to chose how we live our lives. As peace-givers or hate-makers. Do we strive to bring “Shalom” in our interactions with others? Or are we ready to battle for our own opinions- no matter the hurt they may cause?

The Bible Project defines the “Hebrew word for peace is shalom, and it describes a deep sense of well-being that comes through the presence of completion, reconciliation, and justice.” Three ways in which we can bring a sense of completeness to our relationship, rather than cracks and brokenness. Sometimes it means we must take steps to restore the brokenness.

Peace then requires us to set aside ourselves and to listen to others. It involves a willingness to bridge the divide and create a new wholeness in the relationship. And that is hard…on our own. Jesus came to teach and bring restoration to a broken world. He came first to restore our relationship with God the father, and he left the Holy Spirit to guide us in the restoration of other broken relationships.

I realize I can’t be a peace-maker if I am not feeding my heart and soul with the good words of my faith. I can’t begin to step into a broken world without praying and coming into agreement with the Lord that Shalom matters. I can’t do it without inviting the Holy Spirit to speak to me. I have to be willing to invest in my spiritual growth if I ever want to get to a place of wholeness for myself and in relationships with others.

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Living Loving Serving

The Sad Reality of Homelessness

I sat tonight listening and praying for several hours as my community discussed the issue of homelessness and moving toward residential living. It is a complicated and heartbreaking story- one that touches us all. There was a clear desire to bring hope to the hopeless and to love the lost.

I listened, I prayed, and then I wept; I cried all the way home. I remembered my own story of homelessness and food insecurity. I remembered my husband whose addictions led him to live in the woods. I remembered my friends who sat helplessly watching family members and friends living that life with only a hint of hope remaining. And I cried some more.

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Transformation Stories

A Hope I Can Trust

Hope is such an encouraging word. We say it all the time: I hope you feel better, I hope you get the job, I hope it all works out. Dictionary.com defines it as: “to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.” We keep hoping “to feel that something desired may happen.” We don’t know that it will, but it could happen and in saying “I hope,” we mean that we will wait together for whatever is to come, anticipating the best outcome.

However, there is a different kind of hope we discover this time of year – a deeper spiritual hope. This is an extended level of trust, often based on past spiritual experiences or shared stories. It is a hope placed in the person of Jesus Christ. It is a prayer we offer to God, believing in our own spirit, that God will manage the details as we walk with him.

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Transformation Stories

A Thankful Changed Heart

I wanted to sleep in this Thanksgiving morn, and yet I was called out of bed to take in the sunrise over the apartments where I live. You see I was laying in bed moaning to myself about not having a bigger space to invite people into. I was regretting the mistakes that caused me to give up two incredible homes.

From my balcony. New every day!

As I walked to the kitchen to switch on the coffee pot, I turned and looked out the window to yet another magical sunrise. As a friend used to say: “God hit me with a clue by four” and I remembered how blessed I am to have let all those other houses go. Those places were traps for me financially and, I dare say, spiritually too. It was all about the image I cast about my success and about my ability to fit into a higher economic status. “About me” is the key term here.

California Dreaming!

Eight years ago, I packed up everything and took a trip away. I didn’t know that stopping for a month and taking in the natural beauty of California would be a pivotal moment in my life. Everything changed when I came home. A smaller place to live—with a view! A new church with new relationships and healing. A new life that wasn’t focused on my image but on the image of Jesus.

Food pantry donation drive at church.

Moving the focus from my wants to image-building and the message to have more, meant I could be open to see the needs of others around me. I stepped into prayer ministry. I became a spiritual director to help and encourage other women see God’s plan for them. God led me to little children and parents and a team of incredible care-givers. Unexpectedly, he led me to help create an outreach ministry for those in need of food and care. And now, I hear a call to do more. In HIS name and for HIM. Not me…

Seeds of growth.

All along the way, God was guiding my steps. Even though I was stubborn and stuck to my ways, he was patient in letting me get to where he wants me. This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for the life journey of bumps and bruises because it has taken me to this new place of peace, of carrying others burdens, of waiting on the Lord to nudge me to the next thing.

I am thankful that he has changed my heart. I am thankful for praying friends who have walked with me through awful times. I am thankful for the hope of a new sunrise and a new adventure.

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Living Loving Serving

The Gift of my Church Community

This has been the summer I fully embraced the community of my church family. The one where I attend services and the one that has connected me with some life-long friends and acquaintances. It has been a summer of gathering together socially and spiritually. Mostly, it has been the best time I have had in years and I am beyond grateful.

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Transformation Stories Living Loving Serving

Respecting the Change

Change is hard. Change brings unfamiliarity. Change can be external to us while processed internally. Change can bring up feelings we never knew we had. Change can send us into a dark place or it can open the door to new opportunities. Change can make us angry or it can bring a sense of relief. Yes, change can be hard.

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Transformation Stories Living Loving Serving

Hate, Fear, and Faith

Please forgive me if my language is clumsy or inadequate. I am a work in progress and happily take your suggestions on how to improve.

I grew up in a military environment that was pretty well integrated. My best friends as a kid were African American and Jewish. I learned the best parts of their heritage and was shielded from the bias against them. As a teen, two of my best friends were of Asian descent. I never saw any hate directed toward them, or if there was any, they didn’t tell me. I dated people from many backgrounds and races, yet my parents made it clear that these were unacceptable long-term relationships. I was raised in the Roman Catholic faith and because my dad’s best friends were Jewish, we learned to respect their faith. In spite of all that, there were still derogatory terms used by adults around me: the N-word, the f-g word, the S-word (you get the gist) that was perfectly acceptable to them. There was an undertone that as alike as we were, we were still superior in some way because we were white and Catholic/Christian.

These are concepts that are hard for me to reconcile today. How could I grow up with such welcomed diversity and acceptance and yet still a sense that I was “better than” because of my skin color or faith? How could I have been so blind to the prejudice and hate my friends likely experienced on a regular basis? I have had to search my heart and soul to ask when I have, even in some small way, passed on that negative heritage to my daughter. How have I taken the subtle superiority of my parent’s generation and filtered relationships- personal and professional- through that negative lens?

As someone who believes we are ALL created in the image of God, we are all loved by him and we all have value and worth in his eyes; how do I reconcile those derogatory tapes in my past against the backdrop that my own family today includes Asians, African-Americans, LGBTQ+ people whom I dearly love? How do I do a better job of loving and caring for people who are not like me?

I start with asking forgiveness for my naivety and ignorance. I ask the Lord to break the chains to any past behaviors and thought patterns. I start the conversation with friends and family and seek to learn more about walking in their shoes. And I walk more closely with them.

I have to be responsible for taking off my blinders and my disbelief that prejudice and hate exist. I need be more deliberate in standing for my friends and family- asking them how best to do that. It isn’t about what I think they need and want- it is about asking them what I can do and standing with them. That’s how we break our own bias and preconceived notions. I will seek to be more informed and more engaged and more respectful of others.

Lord, forgive me when I have closed my eyes to the inequality toward your people. Forgive me for my own pride and superior attitude. Lord, open my eyes and ears and use me as an instrument of your change. Father, guide our nation to be welcoming and change our hearts to see each other as valuable, regardless of color, culture, religion, or life-style. Start with me father.

Photo: Getty images