I spent a good portion of my life searching for meaning and understanding about my life and the world in which I live. I tried everything—sex, drugs, rock & roll, with a trip into the cultic world of Scientology. I would like to think I was a ‘free spirit’ but in reality, I was simply lost. I grew up feeling invisible and kept hoping I would be noticed. Only problem with that kind of search is that I was noticed by all the wrong people in all the wrong ways.
In the business world I searched for some measure of success. Initially I just wanted a job to pay for my car and to get out of my parent’s house. I wanted to find some credibility after my California years of living free—except for the trapped in Scientology part! I went to work where I was told to work and I made a decent living, met a husband, and a few lovers along the way. Sex, drinking, and party party became the new mantra.
Don’t get me wrong. I had success, albeit hollow success. I made a name for myself—you know B****h, player, and manipulator. I learned fast how to use my ‘assets’ to get noticed. I also learned how to make the best of my situation and I worked hard enough that the leadership even overlooked my lack of credentials. I was queen in my field and yet, I felt I had nothing. I kept waiting for the shoe to drop and to be discovered for the scared little girl that hid inside.
Under all my struggles I had a faith that my parents instilled in me from birth. I found out in recent years that we have a rich heritage of faith in my family. My grandmother even wrote my father in her dying days that there would be nothing more important in his life than his belief in Jesus Christ. I walked a wobbly road with my faith; however, today I am more convinced than ever that my faith and my parent’s prayers saved me from losing everything. (Parents don’t ever stop praying!!) There were times I felt I had lost it all, and yet I could always find a glimmer of hope in my prayers.
I have chased the meaningless during my life and I have found the emptiness in that search. I have looked to people to be my answer and have walked away with more questions. I have sacrificed my principles to hold on to someone only to have them leave me alone and ashamed. I have lied, stolen, and cheated; all in the hopes that I would no longer be invisible and found myself crying alone in the shadows of my shame and bitterness.
And then I reached the point where I had to dig in and believe that a loving God would be there in my darkest hours, and I have found I come through with a new resolve and strength. I have read and studied the words Jesus and his disciples spoke, and I have found answers. I have prayed to find release from negative and destructive behaviors, and I have found real peace. I have prayed for forgiveness and been given a clean slate. I have slipped, and yet, I have always found compassion and love and second chances. I have allowed myself to be changed from the inside out and have come to know a different kind of contentment.
No more must I prove myself to anyone. No more do I question my value to God. No more do I look for something or someone else to fill in the holes from my emptiness. The time to quit searching has arrived. Today I only seek new wisdom and understanding. Each day I learn a little bit more about God’s desires for my life because I am willing to surrender myself to his will. There are no tricks here in my faith walk. There is no contract to sign or fee to pay for this new freedom from myself. I don’t have to force myself to be like someone to be accepted in God’s eyes. There is my acceptance of God’s love for me—this fallible creature made in his image. My imperfection is no longer a burden for it draws me closer as I lean on his words and his power for my life. I am truly perfectly imperfect and loved.
Conversion (to Christianity) is a psychological explanation of what a person does when they exercise faith in God. Faith is absolutely imperative for salvation, ‘For by grace you have been saved through faith’ (Ephesians 2.8)” Elmer Towns, Core Christianity
If you are seeking transformation and peace in your life, I would encourage you to start by picking up a Bible that is written in a way you feel comfortable reading. Start at the beginning of the Old Testament or start at the New Testament with the Book of John and discover the special message God has for you. It is there. I promise, step-by-step, day-by-day, you will see magnificent change in your heart and in your approach to life. Take if from someone who literally has tried just about everything there is out there. I know of no other way to bring peace, love, and joy into your life than to start by asking Jesus to reveal himself to you and to become one of his followers.
I hope you will step into the journey. Blessings,