It has taken me a long time to have a friendship with God. We were more the ‘casual acquaintance’ type for many years. Oh sure, we had our moments of closeness when I cried out in despair for help, not fully expecting to receive any help. And there were those ‘ah ha’ moments on spiritual retreats when I got all caught up in emotions of the worship and the message.
Real friendship was another thing. I still remember walking to communion one Sunday as the band played a song about Jesus being my friend and I realized that I didn’t feel that way. It broke my heart that others could know him that way but I didn’t. I mean I have been a Christian all my life so how could I not feel Jesus was my friend? Friendship implies a close relationship, a sharing of secrets, a deliberate presence in each other’s lives, and time spent together through all the good and bad times.
Wasn’t that Jesus?
It is Jesus; however, my expectations were all about me and the benefit to me in this so-called friendship. What could I get out of this relationship? I was the wounded one, the abused one, the lonely and alone one. What was he going to do to fix that??? How was he going to make me feel better about me?
And then almost six years ago I had a real ‘come to Jesus’ moment in the desert. I was finally at a place of feeling so isolated and so on the wrong track with me life that I was desperate to hear from God. I knew God was with me but I was blocking his voice. I had prayed to God all my life and believed my mother and other wise people that God was always with me, even when I wasn’t with him. And I had occasionally thought I heard from God but talked myself out of believing that some biblically uneducated woman with a messed up track record could ever actually hear God speak to her, let alone give her guidance for her life much less care about said life.
But I heard him that day, as clear as if you were standing next to me. I heard God say “I love you. You are valuable to me. You will never be alone.”
It changed everything. All the ill-conceived activities of my life were now the moments which I could use when speaking with others. All the time alone could be filled with the words he gave us and the stories about him and his love for mankind. The empty pit in my heart could be filled with a joy that I am loved even though I did not take the purer more refined journey in life. I do have a purpose in this life, even if those in leadership don’t see it.
I am a friend of Jesus and he is a friend of mine!!!
This revived recognition has led me to this walk. I don’t know how much time I have here on this earth but I know that I am to walk with God and to share with others about that walk. Maybe one or two people will read my work. Maybe one or two will like it or share it. What matters most is that I am taking steps forward every day to grow in faith and relationship with God and to share that walk so that maybe one of you will remember that Jesus is your friend and he wants you to walk with him too.
maggiemarcum 