Category: Living in Singleness

As Simple as “Hello“

I’m at a transition point again. Leaving one group that I’ve been a part of for many years and looking for where I belong next. One of the most important things for me is to feel connected and a part of something bigger than myself. But that’s also really intimidating.

So I’ve dipped my toe into a few places. It hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be. Because all it takes is a simple “hello” to make one feel seen and welcome. Have you ever noticed the way someone lights up because someone smiled at them or said “Hello”? It’s amazing what one five-letter word can do for a person’s self worth.

My daughter is a nanny to a couple of really sweet girls. Every now and then they FaceTime me. It is so much fun because as soon as they see my face they start waving. I wave back and it’s just a hello- hello, back-and-forth. It’s probably one of the high points of my day because they are so excited to be seen and recognized and I get to be a part of their joy.

These days, we all seem to be walking around with a lot of stress and maybe even fear. There are so many perceived disagreements between us about country, faith, and even how to celebrate the holidays. I have discovered that merely smiling at someone in the grocery store usually elicits a smile back and in that brief moment of connection, each of us seem to say, we aren’t alone. I see you and you matter. It’s so simple to make someone’s day when you think about it.

I think about those times when I’ve seen a friend across the parking lot and run to them for a hug. The hug is the Hello. It says everything about how much we cherish one another. It is so childlike in its simplicity. And so very good for the soul.

I challenge you in the weeks ahead to just smile and say hello as you walk around. Take a moment at the checkout to ask how they are doing and to thank them for what they are doing. Take a risk and say hello to someone that you normally wouldn’t have a conversation with. The best relationships all began with.”hello.” Who knows what next relationship is waiting for you beyond that simple five-letter word.

Tags lifestyle, purpose, relationships, single

Living in Singleness

Becoming Invisible in a Coronavirus World

Post author By Maggie Marcum
Post date March 29, 2020
No Comments on Becoming Invisible in a Coronavirus World

We are in a new era of forced isolation. There is no telling how long this will last. For those in their late-50s and older, “social-distancing” could become the new norm for us because doctors can’t say if the Coronavirus, or an offshoot of it, may come back next year. For an age group that is already trying to stay physically fit and actively engaged, this is like a slow death sentence. Melanie Joosten, a researcher at the National Ageing Research Institute (NARI) wrote that aging women especially experience a growing sense of becoming invisible. This feeling could become more of a reality as we carefully choose our external activities and social/work relationships to protect our health.

Women feel this sense of social isolation and lack of relevance much more than do men, according to coach Dr. Louise Mahler. In a 2016 NY TimesDr. Dhruv Khullar wrote: “About one-third of Americans older than 65 now live alone, and half of those over 85 do. People in poorer health — especially those with mood disorders like anxiety and depression — are more likely to feel lonely. ” He continues to explain that social separation is bad for our physical, cognitive, and mental health and that those who are isolated from society tend to die within seven years.

The need to be seen as relevant and as a contributing member of society matters for those entering their ” twilight years.” Regular social contact and involvement is key. Dr Khullar quoted one senior as saying: “Your world dies before you do.” For our older population that is even more real today than ever before. As I have spoken with seniors in my community the past few days, I am finding that while their faith is keeping their spirits up, they desperately miss even the little bit of friendly contact that came from socializing in the grocery store. No longer is the store, the coffee shop, the neighborhood diner, or their place of worship a available to them to get out of the house and interact with friends and family.

For many seniors, participation in their ministries and charitable organizations has been a lifeline and provides a sustained a sense of purpose and contribution to society. Religious organizations bring a sense of spirituality and connection with community. For those who continue to work, they have the opportunity to share their experience while learning new skills and keeping their minds sharp and engaged. Take that away and loneliness, isolation, and depression are likely to set in. This is even more true for older adults living alone who today are unable to meet family, see grandchildren,or venture to their communities and jobs.

‘You shall rise up before the gray headed and honor the aged, and you shall revere your God; I am the LORD.
Leviticus 19:32

Technology has helped to bridge some of the gaps older adults are feeling during social distancing. Once they get the hang of all the processes available to them to video chat and participate in streaming religious services or exercise classes, they may feel a momentary sense of connection and belonging. However, the crucial piece is to help them find relevance and purpose. If all they do is take in information they still lack an ability to contribute to society. This could lead to a greater level of social anxiety, depression, or other mental health concerns, according to Good Therapy. These factors tend to be more prominent in women; however, because of their tendency toward transparency in expressing loneliness. This again goes back to a societal response that respects maturing men over aging women and the notion that men still have something to contribute despite their age.

So what can we do in this period of forced isolation? Reach out on a regular basis to your older friends and family. Find a video platform that they are comfortable using because it helps to actually see the faces of our friends and family. Find some way for them to help. Maybe they can write letters or make phone calls to people in their religious and charitable organizations. Visit them from a safe social distance. Give them tasks to complete for which they are responsible. Acknowledge their skills and contributions, no matter how minor. Help our senior citizens feel that they are respected, needed, and connected and they will come through this crisis stronger and more engaged then ever before.

Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another–and all the more as you see the day approaching. Hebrews 10

Living in Singleness

Walking Alone After Our Loss

Post author By Maggie Marcum
Post date April 19, 2017
2 Comments on Walking Alone After Our Loss

The Single Walk is not always an easy one. It is frequently more difficult for people who have been in long-standing relationships who now find themselves walking alone. Singles struggle to find a new way to fit into community, especially religious community, following the end of a life with a partner.

Some of us are single because the person we planned to spend all our years with has died or left us. The singleness that comes from the death of our partner can leave us in un-imagined pain and grief. A divorce, or end of a committed partnership, can do the same for many; even when we might agree with the decision to terminate the relationship. We go from two to one. We are no longer part of the “couples community” and we aren’t quite ready to function as a single person. This is especially true for the widow/widower who may remain married in their heart.

Tags Christian community, divorce recovery, lifestyle, relationships, single's ministry, singles in church, truth, widowers, widows, widows in church

Living in Singleness Living Loving Serving

The Gift of Community

In general terms we define community as an organized network or a coordinated effort to bring people together. Communities develop as people are drawn together by common interests. Maybe they are inspired by activities such as sporting events/clubs or charitable events.

One of the most important aspects of community is that it is a place to develop new relationships. We are drawn to places out of common interests, but usually we are drawn there in the hope of developing new friendships. After all, isn’t the foundation for most friendships something we have in common be it work, church, sports, animals, or charity?

Tags charity, Christian community, common interests, community, Galatians 6, Hebrews 10, Matthew 18, solitude, two or more gathered, William Barry

Living in Singleness

Table for One…

How many of you dread those words? Married or single, “table for one” has such a stigma attached to it:

I’m lonely, alone, or single…
I don’t have anyone in my life- I’m not loved.
Unworthy, sad, or embarrassed.

None of these are positive descriptions but they may be the words we tell ourselves. They imply there is something wrong with us.

I wonder how often we don’t do something because we are single? Do you skip movies, shows, or sports events because you don’t have anyone to go with you? Are you recently single after the loss of a spouse or the end of a relationship and going it alone is painful? Do you feel out of place because you think it’s a couple’s world? Did you know that nearly half the population in America is NOT married??

I took a step myself today and went into my favorite fast food joint for a bite to eat. Usually I would go through the drive through and just take it home. But lately I have been forcing myself out into the coffee shops and restaurants I enjoy–all by myself. As I looked around the restaurant Today I realized that about half the people were sitting alone. Some were on their phones. Some were reading. And one was even just sitting there eating. Go figure!!

It is time we change the perception that there is something wrong with being single and being out in public alone. It is time we tell ourselves that there is nothing to be embarrassed about–we are half the population after all!! And it is time we call other singles to join us, especially if you know someone who might not be getting out.

Take a first step. Do something simple. Don’t bury your head in your phone because there is a lot of world out there for us to discover. Be bold. Smile when you nod and say “yes” to a table for one!

Tags dining out, dinner, single, singleness

Living in Singleness

Singles are “Disabled” – Says World Health Organization

Post author By Maggie Marcum
Post date October 24, 2016
No Comments on Singles are “Disabled” – Says World Health Organization

As if singles don’t carry enough of a stigma from society, the World Health Organization (WHO) just heaped another helping of “less-than” on the world-wide singles community. The WHO has now decided that singles who are not sexually active are somehow “disabled.” (read here)

First they cast this shame on couples who were unable to conceive as having some form of “disorder.” The change will be part of their generalization in the “International Classification of Diseases (ICD), which in its 10th edition, classifies and codes different types of medical and psychiatric disorders.” According to the 2014 US Census, there are 107 million unmarried persons over 18 in the United States. Of those, 63 percent have never married, 24 percent are divorced, and 13 percent are widowed. That is a huge slice of the population now considered ‘disabled’ because of a choice in life-style or a change in circumstances.

The intent of this new classification is to make it easier for unmarried persons to gain access to in vitro fertilization. However well-intended this new classification only furthers the struggle many singles have that they are not as capable as their married counterparts.

Consider that many singles are only allowed limited roles in most religious organizations.

Many singles hear announcements for “family” events at church and feel excluded.
Some churches prohibit singles, especially female singles, from taking active leadership roles and may only do so when partnered with a married person.
In the workplace, many singles are considered first when it comes to taking holiday shifts or working late so that married can go home to their families.
Most single women are bombarded by friends asking when they will get married–asked if they aren’t sad that they don’t have children–as if they are missing out on something.

I know many singles that have decided they are more productive and happier not married and not engaging in sex outside of a marriage. I know many singles who have been married and now that they are single have found peace and contentment in their new circumstances. I also know singles who have a desire to be married and have a family but they have not found the person with whom to share that experience. And yet they are all living full lives or in the process of finding purpose and living out that purpose as a single.

Those of us choosing to live single non-sexual lives are not disabled. We are people who are living in our circumstances, enjoying the gifts of life. For many of us, we are active in ministry, despite constraints placed on our houses of worship. We don’t need some international organization to take that joy and gift from us.

Tags disabled singles, gifted singles, IVF for singles, sex outside of marriage, WHO, World Health Organization

Living in Singleness

Finding the Sweet Spot

A dear friend keeps reminding me of that adage that says people will make time to do what they want to do and will spend money on what is most important to them. It has been eating at me for days because I thought that I was not in sync with what I believe I have been hearing from God.

I love to write. I love writing this blog.

I love encouraging people, espcially people in recovery or searching for healing.

I love my church and the women I have come to know in the wider Christian community.

I love ice hockey and I love writing for our hockey blog, Friends in Cold Places, and I love the Washington Capitals and the hockey community.

And I have struggled trying to balance it all in the course of a day or the week.

I am coming to realize that God opens doors that I don’t expect and I need to keep walking through them even if I don’t understand what is happening. God may send me in a different direction as I walk along the pathway of life

I have a wonderful opportunity to write and I need to find the right balance for my writing passions. God is introducing me to people and community opportunities I never imagined I would be a part of a year ago. God is helping me to find the sweet spot in my life in ways I never expected.

Sometimes we need to remember that God’s vision can be a whole lot bigger than we can imagine. As my life has become busy again, I cut out the one thing I should never have cut out of my schedule–my time with God. And once I realized that and became open to his will, I also found that extra hour because God has woke me up earlier than my alarm. Funny how once I found myself back in a routine of spending time with God everything fell into place.

I encourage you to seek out your passion(s) and to trust the Lord to lead you to open doors and the perfect way to use your time.

You will know that God’s power is very great for us who believe. Ephesians 1:19

Tags Caps, ephesians, faith, God's will, hockey, life balance, time management, vision

Living in Singleness Transformation Stories

Living Single

Living single is not always easy. Single, no matter if you are there because you never married, divorced, or lost a spouse, has challenges that most marrieds don’t appreciate. Sure, we have freedom to do what we want to do when we want to do it, but we live in a world that focuses on married or coupled people and often we can feel excluded.

Single means making our own decisions. It means not having that spouse to turn to and discuss an upcoming surgery. Single means asking all our friends for their advice and then making a decision. It often means nursing ourselves when we are ill and suffering alone because we don’t want to burden our friends.

Living single has its challenges and it has its blessings.

We have so much to offer. We have so many opportunities to live a life of giving and community. We have the ability to step out of our homes and develop new relationships with other singles just for the purpose of being friends linked through a passion. We are not a sorry bunch but a blessed bunch and we need to start living the lives that God has given us.

Singles need each other. We need to hear each other’s stories and to encourage one another during those dark days. We need to speak strength into our circumstances and embrace all that we can do because of our situation. We need to look for opportunities to meet other singles and forge new uplifting relationships.

So get out their friends. Look for ministries in your religious organizations where you heart leads you to serve. Look for sporting events where you can meet other singles. Look around you and when you see another single sitting alone, go sit with them. When you hear of a sick single, call and offer help. When someone goes through a divorce or the loss of a spouse, walk with them until they are stronger.

We all have purpose no matter our circumstances. God can use us if we are willing to get over the notion that we are of less value than coupled people because we live alone. Be willing friends, be willing.

Faith without Good Deeds Is Dead (James 2)

What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? ¹Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do? So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless

Tags church, communitry, friendship, ministry, purpose, single, sports

Boomer Living Living in Singleness

Grappling with Oneness

It has been a few years now since I was married. I have grown accustomed to picking which side of the bed I want to sleep on because there is no one on the other side. I have gone through the phase of curling up with a body pillow or laying long-ways across the bed so it doesn’t feel so empty. I have nearly forgotten what it is like to nudge someone in their sleep because they are snoring or to curl up with them when I get cold. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss it at times. It means I have adapted to sleeping alone and I am more comfortable with it today than I was some ten years ago.

I have spoken with many people about the dramatic change in their lives when a spouse dies or they find themselves alone after a divorce. Even those who have never married have that sense of longing for an intimate relationship with someone. So we find ways to fill the hours of our day with work, friends, family, and busy things. But there can be so much more if we look.

I am a firm believer in seeking our mission and living out a life of purpose. I am also aware that for many of us singles, a purpose-filled life doesn’t always eliminate the sense of aloneness we have at the end of the day. It doesn’t replace the sense that we are home alone reading a book or watching TV. More importantly, I also know that living with purpose changes everything and makes my time alone more palatable.

Purposeful living brings a sense of joy and peace and in some cases, a reason for getting out of bed. There is nothing worse than a day of emptiness that leads to a night alone and the anxiety of a gloomy morning. James wrote that in the midst of our troubles we have the opportunity to find joy. (James 1:2) I believe that opportunity comes in the shape of service to others. The psalmist cried out in his distress and emptiness in Psalm 102 and in the midst of his sadness he realized that God is with him. He is never truly alone. No matter what happens, he can find peace in that promise. When we can identify our mission and turn our attention to the needs of others, we can experience God’s love in a profound way. We can change our perspective from the sadness of what we don’t have to one of joy in knowing that we are living for God—even if we are living alone.

Now we can close our eyes at night, comfortable in knowing that God is watching us and that we will waken in the morning with a sense of celebration that God has given us another day to worship and serve him. While the bed may still be empty, I believe our hearts can be full. Even as we grab our extra pillow at night, we can quietly end our day in conversation with God about his reason for our circumstance and ask that the morning bring new purpose and a greater sense of belonging. It is the same conversation we should have every night, regardless of our marital situation. You see, my fellow singles, this relationship is far better than any other relationship for which we could ever wish to have and we are fortunate that we can give all our attention to enriching our relationship with the Lord.

Tags alone, divorced, ephesians, Gifted Singleness, God, lonely, ministry, mission, psalm 25, purpose, purpose filled living, relationship, service, single, widow, widowed, widower

Coaching Tips and Exercises Living in Singleness

Bridging the Vision Gap

Have you ever had a vision and been overwhelmed by the thought of what it will take to reach your goal? This can happen when we aren’t sure how we will get from where we are to where we want to be. The gap may seem far too wide to overcome, especially if we focus too much on those final steps that will bring our dream to fruition. We may even feel as if we are sitting in the fog, full of ideas and yet uncertain how to implement a plan.

I am a planner. I like to lay out all the necessary steps I will execute to achieve my end-goal. This includes all the things I don’t know how to do or the things that are out of my control. If I look too far ahead I am likely to freeze in place because these things seem too insurmountable to me. For example, I am building a ministry for singles. I believe that God has given me a vision for this ministry; however, I have so many questions about the organizational structure, finances, and who will attend our gatherings that I find myself too overwhelmed to move ahead.

I am overwhelmed first by the vision and mission and secondly by the demands on me as the leader of something I have wanted to do for the last 30 years. Thankfully, I have wonderful spiritual advisors and partners who have counseled me to just start. I have stepped out in faith without worrying about what will happen on the journey and without answers to all of my questions. I am taking one step after another, prayerfully considering each step and in consultation with others who hold me accountable. We are getting closer to launching the ministry and with each day I am gaining more clarity about what to do next.

So what does this mean for you? If the answer to my first question is, “yes, I’m overwhelmed and I don’t know what to do,” I would suggest you write your vision and mission statement. Then consider where you are and where you want to be and write down some of the major milestones you need to accomplish to close the gap. Once you lay out your milestones, start at the first milestone and list the most important things you need to accomplish to reach that milestone. If you are able, go to the next milestone and describe the actions you need to complete for each subsequent milestone. Write them down even if you have no idea how you will complete them. By the time you have written down the milestones you need to achieve you will see that it is much easier to bridge the gap from here to there. Post your plan somewhere as a visual reminder of your first objective and to all that you have accomplished as you move closer and closer to the final result.

Take the first step now. Pray about the others. Trust that God will guide you and as you experience success in those first steps, build confidence that God will get you through the rest.

Be bold. Be fearless. Step forward!

Tags 2105 goals, God's plan, ministry, mission, planning, single's ministry, steps, vision